Yelling at the Wall.
It’s a term I use quite often, for those moments when there’s no one person at fault for the way things are, but you are still frustrated as heck at life. I find that having a safe place to vent your frustrations and feelings is extremely beneficial, and 100% therapeutic. So for today’s (premiere) installment of Yelling at the Wall, I submit this subject.
I really really really hate my uterus at the moment.
2 weeks ago we got the positive tests. It was confirmed at the doctor’s office- we were pregnant again. After the last loss in March, we had been trying for the last 3 months, and finally it happened again. This time, instead of spreading it like wildfire from the excitement, we stayed cautiously optimistic, keeping the news on the quiet side. Last Monday, things looked great, and on Wednesday I had an awesome 35th birthday, enjoying my extreme nausea, sore boobs and total exhaustion with glee. Cause this is what we wanted.
But by Saturday, my obsessive nature of peeing daily onto cheapie pregnancy tests clued me in- the positive lines I took so much joy in seeing were getting fainter and fainter.
So when I got my weekly bloodwork yesterday, it came as no surprise that the pregnancy was ending.
Which is why today I’m yelling at the wall.
This sucks. I’m 2 for 2, and it hurts. And it’s NOT FAIR.
I’ve got lots of opinions on this subject. Seriously. But mostly, today, I’m just trying to wrap my head around this. Trying to cope when life hands me a flaming bag of crap to deal with.
I’m supposed to be this pillar of strength- I am always dealing with adversity in a chipper positive way. But I’m not gonna lie about it- I’m not feeling chipper or positive today. I’m just bummed out and trying not to land on the floor in a pile of tears. Which is actually a good thing. I’m dealing with the loss in the best way I can.
But the thing that hurts me beyond the actual loss we are experiencing is this: I wonder when I’ll be able to feel joy about being pregnant again. This time, being cautiously optimistic, I never really dared to believe that it would stick. So did I shoot myself in the foot because I didn’t believe and get all excited? Next time, how long will it take me to get excited about being pregnant? Will I be walking around at 9 months and counting still denying the truth and expressing “I think I might be pregnant, but we aren’t sure yet” to strangers who ask me how far along I am? Why does it feel like with every loss and hurt I am losing the joy of when it will actually come to pass?
Because I know it will. I have no problem GETTING pregnant. I just have a problem STAYING pregnant.
Plus, now I’m coming off the progesterone supplements, and that just sucks major lollipops. Especially cause I’m all bloaty and now weigh more than I should. Grrr.
So here I am, yelling at the wall.
Being mad and frustrated, hurt and broken.
There’s no real answer or point to all of this. There’s no person to blame, there’s no reason. It’s just life. Well, or lack thereof in this particular case.
This is the reality of being a human who dares to try things. Sometimes they work, and sometimes they don’t. Ultimately if we want more for our lives, we have to be willing to do that 2 steps forward 1 step back dance I’m getting so good at.
I’m taking a couple days for myself, to just hurt and heal. To squeeze the kids I have presently, and try to make as many healthy choices as I can. And make good mental choices- Like giving myself permission to be sad for a while, and yelling at walls.
And I’m thinking I’ll schedule a massage for myself next week.
Just because that makes it less unfair.
Not really, but that’s what I’m going to tell myself…
*smishes* You are so very strong.
Love ya, Girl.
((Hugs)) Let it all out girl. The wall can take it. <3 u.
I just want to say that you are inspirational in so many ways. My husband and I are currently trying to get pregnant,, its been two years. I can’t imagine the pain of having then losing, and I admit its a big fear I have. You are brave, and you have a great way of bring beautiful things into your life. Keep on going, HUGS!
So sorry that you are going through this. I have been there and it really does suck. I’ll be praying that next year you will have the best present of all.
Just found your blog and am inspired and saddened by what you’re going through. After trying for four years to have our second child, suffering a miscarriage, enduring surgery and fertility treatments, we stopped trying. One year later, we were surprised with a bun in the oven (right after giving away every baby item we owned). Hoping all will work out for you. Give yourself time and look forward to new projects.
AHHHHEERRRRRAAHHHOOOHHHERRRRALLHHHHAAAAHH!! Yelling at the wall with you. I find having someone yelling with me helps.
I hope it works for you too.
I re-visited your blog today to find instructions for the cute washer/dryer
You did. I needed to do something fun to get my mind off not being
Pregnant!!! I am starting to accept the fact we will only have one child
After reading your blog and comments I found out I am NOT alone.
Painting my washer/dryer has been a nice break from sadness. I
Think I will attack my sewing machine next!!
Thanks for your inspiration and sharing your story
1st off, you have an incredibly creative mind! what a fantastic blog!
2nd: You’re a beautiful woman! I admire your strength and ability to keep positive throughout. And to offer a little comfort, my mother miscarried right after she got married, then had my sister, then miscarried, then had my twin and I, then miscarried again, then had my little sister and finally, almost 20 years after the first miscarriage, had my little brother. So, don’t lose hope…
Hi, just wanted to give my support. I’ve been there, done that, treatments, hopes pumped up, feeling like “this time it’ll work” and having people I didn’t really even know tell me if I “relax, it’ll happen” BULLCRAP. I had one successful pregnancy, then couldn’t get pregnant again. After 4yrs of trying, we finally decided to adopt. And YES I did get those same idiots saying “as soon as you decide to / adopt you will get pregnant” Well Guess what??? It’s been 12yrs since I adopted and I’ve never been pregnant!!! I have never taken birth control either!
Bottom line I guess I’m trying to say is, be happy in your family, don’t stress and let the “helpful henriettas” give you hopes and ideas. If God willing its time to have another baby – YAY! If not, its still gonna be ok.
And hey, adoption is awesome – I can truly say it has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life and I’m actually grateful for the infertility that led me to adopt my amazing kids!
So… You and I are so similar. I’ve lost seven babies, the last was a set of twins. I’m 45 now. The last loss was last fall. I was a mess. Yelling. Crying. It’s a crappy thing to have to go through. Now? I got the surprise of my life a few months ago. Pregnant again… at 45… with a 21 year old, an 11 year old and an 8 year old… At every appointment I would cringe and expect the worst. I kept expecting them to look at me with “that face” and tell me the pregnancy was ending. At nearly 16 weeks pregnant, I haven’t told a lot of people. My doctor has been amazing. She has brought me in every couple of weeks for ultrasounds. At each visit, I would cry with relief when they’d say everything was fine because I was so sure I was there to hear bad news. But… slowly, I’m starting to believe this could actually be happening. And if it can happen for me at the ripe old age of 45… it can happen for you too. Get a great doctor, one who runs tests on hormone levels, clotting disorders and more. It sucks to be a person who has to have the pain of loss but… that will also make you a person that appreciates everything that much more.
I also stopped by because of the washer/dryer pin…but saw this post & wanted to send you some love. So sorry for your pain. Not sure if you believe in God, but for me I know He has a plan.
My friend has to take shots every day to STAY pregnant. She suffered 5 miscarriages before the doctors gave her the shots. Hopefully you wont have to endure that! Find a doctor that will help you! Don’t accept anything less! xoxo
I too was drawn in by the washer/dryer pin. I have to say I can relate to what your going through. 4 yrs. Ago we decided to try for our 3rd child. I didn’t even realize I was pregnant, I just went to the doctor’s for a check up. We were so excited! I was 3mos in already, by the weekend I had lost the baby…that was so hard. People tell you about pregnancy & what to expect as your body changes, but no one talks about the loss of a pregnancy or the symptoms of one. I was lucky not to need a DNC, they kept checking my blood to make sure my hormone levels dropping back to normal. Every week I had to get blood drawn. At what was supposed to be my last appointment, there was a huge spike in my levels. It had only been 6wks since the miscarriage. Again, I was excited. Everything just had to be normal, no one in my family has ever had problems with getting & staying pregnant…at 4wks I began to have terrible pain in my lower left pelvic area. I went to the e.r. & the doctor was a jerk. I told him I thought I may have an ectopic pregnancy because of where the pain was. He told me there was no way I’d be able to feel it so early I was just having a miscarriage because my body had not had time to recover from the first. I know my body & knew something wasn’t right. I went to my real doctor the next day, she sent me to a specialist the same day. He did an internal sonogram & found the ectopic pregnancy in my left fillopian tube. If we had not found it so early I could have hemorrhaged or had to have surgery to remove the tube. They treated me with methotrexate ( a chemo drug given to cancer patients) it makes you very sick. I spent the next year battling depression because I basically aborted my baby. I know that I would have died had I not let the doctors treat me, & I had a 4 & 6 yr old to worry about. But it doesn’t make the guilt any less. We suffered 3 more losses over the next 2 1/2 yrs. Each time I took a test, I miscarried by the weekend. Didn’t even make it to a first OB appt. I’d finally decided if we had any more children it would be from fostering & adoption. Then I found myself pregnant again…taken those test strips every day to see if they were getting darker or lighter. They kept getting darker! It was really hard to get excited this time. Any cramp or feeling of discomfort & I was on the phone with the doc. My doc was awesome. As soon as I found out he into the office & ran blood work & took a vaginal culture to look for any thing that could be causing my problems. It turned out I had a bacterial infection. He couldn’t treat me unfilled I made it past 3mos. I did & he put me on medicine. I ended up with a healthy, beautiful girl. She turned 1 in July. I still want to adopt children or at least be a foster parent. There are so many unwanted & unloved children in this world. So many people foster kids for the wrong reasons. My point in sharing my story is that maybe for now your just ment to bide your time doing the creative things you do. With each loss, like yourself, Ihad to keep myself busy. I did lots of crafts with my kids & did a lot of volunteer stuff with children. You have a creative talent that is ment to bless people. For now try to be happy in how you are impacting others. When you least expect it it’ll happen & if it doesn’t, then maybe you one of the special moms where her child is born of her heart & not of her womb. Good luck to you & God Bless.
Like others, I was drawn to your site because of the washer/dryer post. And like you, and others, I know what you are going through right now. I had a healthy son, then a miscarriage, then another healthy son, and have had 2 miscarriages since then. It’s never easy, and you always need to give yourself time to mourn the loss. It’s okay to not always be “okay”. The first one was a new experience and was more of a shock, even though I got pregnant again shortly thereafter, I was nervous the whole time. It took me about a year to really cope with the loss. The second one I had been super excited about when I found out and was completely devastated when I miscarried a couple days later. I was probably in the bathroom for an hour crying while my husband, such a gem, watched the boys for me. This last one, super nervous about the whole time, but trying to stay positive, I hadn’t even told my mom we were pregnant again. I was staying at my parents while we were fixing up our new home before we moved in, so there wasn’t really a recovery period for me because of all the people around. Once we moved in, then all those feelings surfaced, so even if you try to hide it with a positive attitude the emotions that you go through with a loss need to come out at some time. It helps to have kids to snuggle (I really feel for those that can’t get pregnant, or don’t have any kids). It also helps to have people that understand how you feel, rather than just the ones that try to help by saying things like “it’s okay, it’s better that you aren’t pregnant right now” or “you weren’t very far along, that’s normal to lose them early.” I don’t care what’s normal!!!! It’s still a child, and you are bonded with them as soon as you know they exist!!! As you can probably tell, I still struggle with it, but keeping busy with other things helps, or outsourcing some of those emotions into crafts, or poetry, or some other thing is good too. I will always be a little nervous and hesitant with my pregnancies, and wait to tell most people, but I am still excited when I find out. When I had my second, I told people by 5 months that I was pregnant with a boy, but deep-down, I was still nervous about whether I would get to see him or not. I know the Lord is in control and I guess some of us are just given more trials in pregnancy, but know that you are not alone. Our hearts go out to you. Thanks for allowing me to heal a little bit by sharing my story too.