Welcome to the first installment of A Little Off Color’s-
PROPER CELEBRITY BUTT KISSING!
Because what better way to tell celebs how much we love them than by writing a blog post (that links the unknowing celebrity with our own personal lives) which they will probably never see?
It’s BULLETPROOF!But in order for me to get this right, I have to give you the whole story.
Once upon a time there was a girl named Charlie who married a man named Matt.
The wedding was small and intimate, where we showed a video called “Love Is” (which we filmed with my brothers and their wives. Yes, there was a toilet flushing and my brother going back to put the lid down, because let’s face it. THAT’S TRUE LOVE.) and we quoted Super Troopers in our vows (“I will love you from meow until forever” “Did you just say MEOW?” We were the only ones who laughed. And it was perfect.) and they lived happily ever after.
But I’m not here to tell you how awesome our wedding was.
(But if I were, I would say it was really awesome. This was one of the pictures we used on the tables for the reception, a la Matt’s amazing photoshop skillz.)
No, the story is about so much more than that.
This is a story about Jonathan Katz and how he saved our wedding night.
There were lots of traditions I bucked while planning our big day. But one I made sure I followed was: Something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue. I brought my vintage silk undies with the garters that were blue and old. So I figured I would kill 2 traditions with one garment. My sister in law and BFF Julia said that didn’t count, so she had a self adhesive stamp that HAPPENED to be blue, and we stuck it on my calf.
Something old, check. Something blue, check. Something new was easy. I had a new pair of sequined sandals I was going to wear. All that was left was something borrowed. But I had to pee. I went to the bathroom one more time before the ceremony started, and that’s when the tragedy struck.
Mother Nature A WEEK EARLY. Me in a white dress with nothing in my bag. Awesomesauce. (Whoops. Poor choice of words there. Sorry.)
I flew back into the dressing room and told them my dilemma. But a bigger problem remained- 2 of my 3 bridesmaids were pregnant that day. Everyone seemed unprepared for this (un)joyous occasion.
Finally, we found a half un-wrapped kotex buried in the depths of someone’s purse. Yep. A tampon was my something borrowed.
The ceremony went off without a hitch, but then as we started the one night honeymoon, (author’s note: WE WERE POOR THEN) the reality of my impending wedding night hit me. I’m one of those women who has a strict “No Touching” policy 7 days a month. It’s for everyone’s benefit. Our swanky hotel room was now just a reminder of things that could have been. We needed a plan B. Something to take our minds off what we weren’t doing.
We went to the hotel we were supposed to be staying at, canceled our reservation, then went shopping for some new movies to take home with us, because we seriously needed a distraction. We picked up a couple new DVDs that we wanted to add to our collection, and that’s when I saw it. This little display on an end cap of a show that took me back to one of the happiest times of my previous life. I spent many a night with my friends watching this show when it was airing on Comedy Central.
Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist
Granted, the complete box set wasn’t out then, just season 1. But it didn’t matter. I had a DVD of Dr. Katz in my hands.
This was the discussion that happened, or as best as I can recall it.
Me: WE CANNOT LEAVE THIS STORE WITHOUT BUYING DR. KATZ. I swear I will steal it if I have to and then we will spend our wedding night in the pokey. And you will probably end up having jail sex with a guy named Bubba Bob. You don’t want that, do you? We need to get this.
Matt: I’ve never seen it before. Is it good?
Me (losing the ability to control my volume from excitement, so I’m shrieking): Is it GOOD? You know Home Movies?
Matt: Duh, we quote it all the time.
Me: This is where it all started. McGuirk plays Dr. Katz’s son Ben. And it’s brilliant.
Matt: So what you are saying is we need to get it?
Me: YES, and we need to watch it TONIGHT. Please let me buy it so we don’t go to jail for shoplifting and you don’t have to have wedding night jail sex with Bubba Bob. But I would risk it if you say no. I would totally risk it for Jonathan Katz.
Matt: 3 hours we’re married and I’m already competing with another man.
Me: Look who’s talking. You were ready to have sex with Bubba. I could see it in your eyes. You’re terrible.
Matt: (insert long sigh indicating he was reconsidering this whole marriage thing.) Get it. Please.
So I happily skipped up to the counter, completely forgetting that my wedding night was an impending white trash disaster, and became completely committed to it just having become the best. night. ever.
Matt and I drove home, cracked open some wine, snuggled on the couch, talked about squiggle vision, and laughed like crazy. It was an amazing time, staying up till dawn, just watching cartoons like the cool nerds that we are. Also, the season 1 set contains an episode of Dr. Katz having a therapy session with Ray Romano. And it’s an absolute RIOT. (“You clearly exhaled!”)
Our first memories of being home as husband and wife were forever linked with Jonathan Katz. Which is almost better than wedding night sex. I think. I guess I’ll never know. So let’s assume it is.
Jonathan Katz is better than wedding night sex.
Mr. Katz has been busy as of late. He and his buddy Tom Snyder have created a new show, much in the conversational style of the original Dr. Katz, called EXPLOSION BUS. You can watch the episodes on the website, or subscribe on the Explosion Bus channel on youtube. The new episodes start on September 18th. I CAN’T WAIT.
It’s wacky and original, just how I like it. And I hope you all run over and check it out. You never know what you are going to see.
But something like this makes you happy- (Click the link and watch it. It makes me happy.) then you are going to love it.
I hope you get on the bus with me!
This has been an episode of PROPER CELEBRITY BUTT KISSING on A Little Off Color! I hope you enjoyed it!
And keep checking back here for the Off Color Production of the short “Hot Glue!”
(it’s totally not going to be what you think it’s about)
(but I promise it will be stupid funny)
(I bet you will love it)
(I love you Dr. Katz…)
Dr. Katz is also with me every time I check into a hotel. Because I invariably knock on the door of our room and say “Housekeeping! Would you like some choco-LEETS?”
And MY husband remembers me actually putting Ben on my List of Five. For REAL.
LOVE that team. And YOU, my dear, are a total PYT.
OMG DR. KATZ!!
No but seriously…you win many cool points for quoting Super Troopers in your wedding vows! WHO WANTS A MUSTACHE RIDE???
The same thing happened to me on my first wedding night (I’m on #3…). Instead of the wedding sex, the entire wedding party, plus me, plus husband/now ex, my parents and his parents, all went bowling. It was…an interesting experience.
Good ol’ Dr. Katz! I loved that show so much that I watched it despite the squigglevision that always made me slightly nauseous. And then came Home Movies! God, how much I love Home Movies, seriously. I love you Charlie. We are nerd sisters forever. And remember, DON’T BLINK!
I’m still giggling that you call jail “pokey” and then went on to talk about jail sex and never made a connection there. Pokey, hehe.
I’ll have you know, that I almost spit coffee and part of a carrot onto my laptop when I saw the photo for the receptions table. That would have been gross, but probably worth it.
I hope Bubba Bob did end up finding himself some “pokey” (it’s funny because there is poking involved..teehee!)..criminals need love too!