A Letter to Consumer Reports

Dear Consumer Reports-

I would like to lodge a complaint, and request that you add some new standards to your investigations of the iPhone line of products.

The problem is I have a zit in my ear.

And this needs to be addressed so other consumers will be aware of the risk of having an iPhone.

Mostly because I am to terrified to pop it. (authors note: don’t tell me not to pop zits, or that your dermatologist told you never to do that. Everybody pops a zit once in a while.)

I’m scared to pop it because I’m afraid of what will come out.

I’m not talking about the white normal zitty stuff. Nope, that would be a relief. What am I so terrified of finding?

SPIDER BABIES.

I’m scared I’ll squeeze the sucker and a berjillion teeny tiny spider babies will come crawling out.

And that’s really the issue at hand. And you need to inform the people. They have a right to know that millions of baby spiders crawling out of an ear zit could happen.

I hope you are following me but I should probably explain this a little better. I’ll go back for your benefit.

I was using my iPhone yesterday surfing around looking for ways to be a better mom   ways to be the best wife ever wasting time on Pintrest, and all of a sudden A TINY SPIDER CRAWLED OUT OF THE CHARGE PORT OF MY IPHONE. And I couldn’t even take a picture of it with my iPhone because it was now infested with one or possibly 8,000 spiders (I only saw 1, but the possibilities are endless) and it was laying on the ground because I dropped it and ran screaming for a little bit.

Here’s the problem. According to my very reliable sources on facebook I could have an issue.

Kara said: Maybe it was a baby and your phone is full of eggs.

Jeanne offered: It probably crawled out of your ear and into the phone. It’s all good.

I said “There are not enough q-tips in the world.”

Then Theresa goes and says: If you use a q-tip you’ll just push it down further and eventually it will crawl down your sinus passages and into your throat, where it will spin a web while you sleep to store its egg sac. It probably crawls in and out of your ear and phone as you talk.

OH. BUT. WAIT. IT. GETS. BETTER.

Meredith said: At least it’s not an Earwig in your ear, my mom had that. She said she could hear it crunching away and turning over. Had to have it surgically removed.

Great, now I’m scared of spiders AND earwigs.

My high school buddy Marc (WHO IS A PEST SPECIALIST) offered me hope: Paxton Pest Solutions (217) 379-8093

which I momentarily considered, until he followed it up with THIS:

As an expert I can unequivocally state that your phone is totally infested with methamphetamine addicted baby spider roach crickets. Muey malo.

I’m. Hyperventilating. Now.

The other Teresa (who now owns the red blinged out breadmaker) gave sage wisdom:

THROW IT OUT!

to which I whined “but it’s 32 gigs! (and possibly 8 million spider eggs)”

to which the first Theresa (who loves math) pointed out: You should have gone with the 8G. It doesn’t hold as many eggs as the 32. :/

And THAT is why I am writing you, Consumer Reports.

People need to be aware that the 8G is a better choice if you are terrified of random spiders crawling in your ear and creating an egg-nest-zit.

I’m really not sure about the specifics on how many spider eggs the 32gig iPhone will hold compared to the 8 gig, but I figured your illustrious panel of investigatory minions can come up with an approximate number. Also, you need to inform the people. This isn’t just fiction or a made up story for your amusement. I may have spiders in my brain. And I want to write this while I still have the ability to form persuasive sentences and some mental clarity- before the spiders take over.

Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.

Until then, my friend Nancy is working on a new app for spiders in iPhones- iArachnid. I’m hoping there will be some type of push notification if you have spiders in your iPhone. She’s my only hope till you come through and become the voice of the people regarding the reproductive habits of tiny spiders in my iPhone of love.

Good Luck on counting spider egg capacities in phones-

Charlie (who is using speakerphone until I’m sure it’s safe again.)

PS- at least we now have a face to put with the voice of Siri… She lives in your ear canal… that’s how she knows you so well…